Then I'm a Philistine.

Tonight I saw the Violent Femmes at the House of Blues in Cleveland.

I like the Femmes but I don't know a lot of their music--just a small sampling. And they have a pretty big repertoire so I guess I sort of expected to feel a little alienated at their show tonight. A friend of mine has a connection at the House of Blues and he offered tickets to me, my roommate, and another mutual friend of ours.

The Femmes were really polished. The middle of their set lagged terribly though. It wasn't until the end of the show that they really kicked it into gear and at that point my mind was in a completely different place.

I've never felt more isolated at a concert in my life. Usually I get really lost in the music and I can ignore the crowd around me and just enjoy the art. But tonight I was distracted by every little thing. I was constantly aggravated my the traffic patterns of the surrounding crowd. I got shoved in every direction by people who couldn't just have a drink at the bar--they had to keep milling in and out of the standing section. At least nothing got spilled on me. Eventually I just moved to the back of the venue against the wall. I couldn't see a thing from there so I got even more distracted and I began to observe specific people in the crowd.

There was a young couple to my left. The woman had dark knotted hair and bushy eyebrows and she hung dangerously from her lover's shoulders, totally drunk and oblivious to the fact that he was looking through her the entire evening. He kept his hands on her waist which gyrated obscenely against the natural rhythm of the music. I think he was trying to hold her in one place.

There were two young girls behind me who kept stepping on the toes of my Chucks. This was unfortunate because my feet were already uncomfortable to start with--don't ever wear Chucks for extended periods of time. I'm pretty sure they were a couple as well. I didn't get a good look at them but they were both fairly attractive indie girls which made me think that they were genuine for some reason. One of them had loosely braided blonde hair tied back haphazardly into a ponytail. I didn't see much more. At least I don't remember much more.

Another couple stood in front of me. I'm think that the man is a sociology professor at my college. He kept smiling at me which I'm sure his date appreciated. The two of them swayed a lot which didn't make much sense, given the genre and general driving pace of the music. I guess certain things slow down when you're in love or something. Or you want them to. So they swayed. I caught myself swaying with them a few times. He kept heading over to the bar and bringing her more drinks. Honestly I can't imagine how much he spent on alcohol that night.

I guess I just focused on the couples in the crowd tonight because I was feeling jealous of them. It's really funny actually. When I didn't have anyone I was always jealous of couples I saw together in public. Then for a while I got over that and I was jealous of people with iPods in public. Now I have an incredible man in my life and I'm back to my old ways again.

I'll take what I can get for now. I'll revel in the nightly phone calls, the delightfully irrelevant (and often irreverent!) voicemail messages, the occasional e-mails that get filed into a folder called "Sap." I'll wait a week or so between visits. I can do that. It's getting harder though. Spending those two nights and odd hours with him made me realize just how much I love being around him.

I'm happy though. I'm so happy. I don't know what to do with myself. I danced earlier tonight. So maybe I'll start dancing more now.

Still thirsty!

List of the day's beverages:

9:00 AM: One Diet Coke--I started my day with a cool can of my favorite soda.

12:25 PM: One glass of water, one smoothie--I enjoyed a smoothie alongside a hummus Pita Wrap at Aladdin's Eatery after a day of scouting locations. I scheduled a day of shooting at Record Revolution in Coventry. (Yay for first choices!)

3:00 PM: One cup Guatemala--I actually have a Starbucks gift card (eesh!) so I asked Sam to meet me at our local shop for a cup. I treated. She had caramel apple cider. I tried the Guatemala. I noted a woody aroma and taste in what was a surprisingly elegant and bold cup of coffee. Later I found out that Guatemalan is known for that woody presence. Yay for my sensitive palette! Also yay for being with Sam. She rules.

5:00 PM: One Canada Dry--I came back to the casa and played through some of my songs. I like drinking Canada Dry when I sing because it is refreshing and it leaves a nice coat of syrup on my throat--diet drinks don't do that. I played through "Mad World" (the Gary Jules version), "Such Great Heights" (the Iron & Wine version), and one of the songs I wrote for my guy.

7:00 PM: One cup Caruso's Jazzy Java--I saw a coffeehouse-style play tonight. My friend Mike was in it. I went by myself and so I felt hip and important. I rocked pinstripes and tucked in my designer blouse. I felt totally artsy and intelligent. I even took notes in my program. Well, actually it was mostly prose that had nothing to do with the production. I had this drink before the show.

7:30 PM: One cup Caruso's Columbian--Since I love Columbian, I tried a cup of this before the show as well. Yes, I am a caffeine junkie. Bite my face. This one was rich and playful just like I like my Columbian to be. Kudos!

9:00 PM: One cup Caruso's Hylander Creme--Mmm. I had this at intermission between the two plays. Both plays were stage adaptations from old radio shows. ("Sorry, Wrong Number" and "The Hitch Hiker.") This cup was flavored with toffee and butterscotch or something I think. Delicious, and a perfect compliment to the slice of carrot cake that I ordered.

11:00 PM: One glass Shiraz--Since my mother was an usher at the theater where I saw the plays, I went with her to the theater. She works with a kid named Rob who is in a band called Return of Simple and they were playing at Wilburt's downtown tonight. So we went there. Rob graduated from BW and the other kids in the band go to BW. So there were a lot of folks from school there. My friend is the band's photographer so I rapped with her for a while when she wasn't shooting. Two of my really good guy friends were there and I spoke with them. The wine was good. I'm a big fan of shiraz.

So I've measured my day in beverages. Tomorrow it might be snacks. Or songs. I don't know.

PSH!

March is my favorite month for film. We've got the promise of the Oscars, the Independent Spirit Awards, the death of the February movie lull, and the Cleveland International Film Festival. That being said, here are my Oscar predictions for this year. This is truly a crazy year for the Oscars--lots of underdogs and huge discrepancies between movies that should win, and movies that probably will. (Thanks a lot, Ang Lee.) So I may not do as well this year with my picks. My record was set last year with 14 predictions out of the 20-some major ones. The year before it was 13. This year I've seen all of the nominated movies except for Transamerica and Munich. And of course I haven't seen some of the documentary shorts and foreign shorts and whatnot because I live in Cleveland and those movies usually take about a year to get here.

Best Motion Picture--Brokeback Mountain (But Crash should win)

Best Actor--Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote

Best Actress--Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

Best Supporting Actor--George Clooney, Syriana (But I believe that Paul Giamatti should win)

Best Supporting Actress--Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener

Best Director--Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain

Best Adapted Screenplay--Larry McMurty & Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain

Best Original Screenplay--Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash (But it would be so kickass if The Squid and the Whale won)

Animated Feature--Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Art Direction--Memoirs of a Geisha

Cinematography--Brokeback Mountain (But Good Night and Good Luck should win)

Costumes--Memoirs of a Geisha (All those kimonos!)

Documentary Feature--March of the Penguins

Documentary Short Subject--God Sleeps in Rwanda (total shot in the dark)

Film Editing--The Constant Gardener (A total underdog but I'm sticking by it. Crash will probably win.)

Foreign Language Film--Tsotsi (South Africa)

Make-Up--Chronicles of Narnia

Original Score--John Williams, Memoirs of a Geisha (If Gustavo Santaolalla wins I will hit someone. And it might be you. Or Ang Lee.)

Original Song--It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp, Hustle & Flow

Short Film (Animated)--The Moon & the Son: An Imagined Conversation

Short Film (Live Action)--Six Shooter

Sound Editing--King Kong

Sound Mixing--Walk the Line

Visual Effects--King Kong

Better Than the Dentist

The day was long. I made it a point today to be where there were people but for the most part I felt isolated and anxious, even when I came across good company.

I've been spending a lot of money on coffee lately. This is foolish because I could easily get a coffee maker for my room and get free coffee from my mom. But I've become so comfortable heading down into the basement of the union with my little punch card. I wait impatiently in line behind a few of the same sorority girls and philosophy majors who feel the need to order tedious custom drinks with names like "Mocha Monkey Meltdown" and "Orange Mango Paradise Smoothie." (The sorority girls are always sincere. The philosophy majors order to be ironic and take delight in giving their silly orders condescendingly to the barista behind the counter.)

My barista is tall and sturdy. He's got thick black glasses like mine and a chin that sort of curves upward at the tip which makes him look like he's smiling even when I know he's not. His green apron clings to his belly and when he leans forward I see it tighten around him.

I order a 16 oz cup of Columbian when I can. Sometimes they don't brew Columbian so I have Irish Creme or Costa Rican. On Tuesday they were out of Columbian so I waited nervously in a chair trying to concentrate on Lawrence Ferlinghetti while my hands shook unsteadily for their next caffeine fix. When the pot was finally brewed it was too hot to enjoy. So I waited some more. My barista fills it to the top every day. He stopped asking "Room for cream?" about two weeks ago. It was a big step for us.

Anyway enough about coffee. Tonight I had a Lifetime movie marathon. People lied about coming but we still had a decent turnout. The dialogue in those movies is priceless. I would love to have a job writing Lifetime Original screenplays.

In a few short days the roommate and I are going to be heading down to Beaver County. I'm overwhelmed with anticipatory excitement. I always feel amazingly clean and happy after a good road trip and this one is particularly special. Roommate, the open road, and two incredible gentlemen lie just beyond the horizon. Then there is the Violent Femmes concert this Thursday night with Mr. Green and roommate.

I'm having difficulty going to sleep. I don't think my heart wants to stop racing for anything right now. And it's not the caffeine. I'm sure of it. It's got to be the Devil's Sting.

Una Mezcla

One day I'll record my system for making mixes. It's a complicated process but I think it has the potential to blow minds.

Right now I've got my CDs laid out in front of me on the floor. Windows Media Player and iTunes are both open. There's a spiral notebook to my right and it's filling up quickly with little notes and question marks and sloppily scrawled arrows and stars.

The mix CD is a perfect way for me to express myself. I have an incredibly eclectic collection of music that I love sharing with/imposing on other people. As much as I enjoy knowing that other people are listening to music that I love, I also think that I'm a pretty generous and considerate mixer. The reason it takes me so long to mix is because I spend a large amount of time thinking about which songs the recipient of the mix would truly appreciate.

I once got a mix from a friend who didn't get it. I took two days flipping through my collection and creating a compilation of stuff that I knew he would really enjoy. And in return I got a generic disc full of current radio sap with a few of those "obscure" songs that everyone knows. And then I found out that he gave the same mix to his girlfriend the next day. So I still haven't listened to it. He, on the other hand, thanks me over and over again for introducing him to new music that he'd never heard of and that he really appreciates. I will never recycle a mix.

I always wonder if I take it too seriously but then I just tell myself that it's a hobby and people have a tendency to get really into their hobbies so it's okay. And usually the receivers of my mixes are happy with them.

The mix that I'm working on right now is tricky.

Crazy Love

A List of Today's Better Stuff:

1. Excellent cup of Columbian. I went to the Cyber Cafe to hang out with Kirsten, Mia, and Dan and I conceded to what I thought would be a mediocre cup of coffee. It was actually delicious--a medium roast with a rich presence and a charming (and weirdly nutty) aftertaste.

2. Room Decor. I decided earlier today that I'd like to hang some imported burlap coffee sacks around my half of the room. I'm working on getting some from Costa Rica and some from Columbia, my favorites. Figuring out where to hang them will be an issue. But they will make our room look so much more worldly. We already have a creased National Geographic map behind our futon. Let's kick it up a notch.

3. I wash my hands of "The Laramie Project." After an entire year, I am finally finished with this play. Unfortunately I misplaced the script before I had the opportunity to cite it at the end of my paper. Eesh. I didn't even get to say goodbye!

4. Hearing his voice. Little Bunny got a phone call from her Puma today. We talked about ham cubes at Ponderosa and Poison t-shirts and whatnot. Nothin' but a good time.

5. Quality time with Ellis. I finally have my guitar back at school after a terrible musical dry spell. I played through some of my old songs and it felt so great. I'm in love again. I just moistened a washcloth and rolled it up in the case to keep it from drying out. Such a drought in this room. I'm reminded of the song that I wrote from a translation from this Indian text: "The monsoon had come and was gone for a song/The rivers are dry as these hours are long." Just a little excerpt. The original text was about a woman waiting for her lover to return after the monsoon season. I adapted it to describe my creative drought. I think that was the lyric--it looks wrong logistically or something. Whatever. I pay my own bills.

6. Having a party. Roommate, Mia and I are planning a party for this Thursday night. At the library today we found a Lifetime DVD combo pack--"Mom at 16" and "Too Young to be a Dad" so we're going to borrow a projector from our hall and show them in one of our lounges on a big screen this Thursday night. We're making everyone wear pajamas and we'll probably carry on like a bunch of idiots. I'm excited:

Christine: I'll bring the nailpolish!
Me: I'll bring Tiger Beat!
Adam: I'll bring...testosterone!

And alas, I have discovered the missing sleepover ingredient that I was lacking in my youth.

7. Toxic B-Movie Meltdown! I bought two awful B-movies today at Marc's. One of them is called "The Bat" starring Vincent Price and Agnes Moorehead (I know, right!). The tagline is "When it flies, someone dies!" Then I got "Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical" starring David Hasselhoff on DVD. Wicked awesome.


I need to find the two books that I misplaced. This is really strange. What's my problem?

Wrapped Up in Books

I had one of those perfect mornings today. My alarm sounded at 9:00 but I was still feeling lethargic so I turned it off and slept for exactly five more minutes. It was great. Then I rolled over and grabbed Rita Dove from my bookshelf. I spent about a half an hour turning her pages under my heavy down comforter with my cat nestled beside me in one of its thick white billows. The introduction that Ms. Dove wrote for her anthology was a sort of childhood recollection that reminded me so much of myself when I was younger. Shy and precocious and fuelled by literature. She did all of the same things I did--memorizing all of the titles on the shelves and being able to spot the new additions every week, beaming excitedly over a stack of books "chin-high" at the circulation desk.

I was so inspired that I felt motivated to head over to my library. I took a very nice, quick shower (I usually try to stay under seven minutes--water conservation and all) and had a cup of fresh black coffee. Then I threw on a sweater vest and my sister's old Airwalks and headed off to be a bookish little nerd.

There was a Friends of the Library Sale today so I headed in there first and looked through all the titles for some gems. I actually found a lot of great stuff but I didn't feel like spending too much money today because my funds are kind of tight lately since I don't have regular income at the moment. I found "Love Liza" on VHS for fifty cents. Since I'm in love with Philip Seymour Hoffman, I bought it. The movie actually is very well done but completely depressing. Still, it was fifty cents! And it's Philly! Then I took a chance on a novel called "Death Rat!" by Mike Nelson. It looks completely hysterical. The cover looks like an old 60's b-movie poster and the inside of the jacket described what could be a truly delightful literary romp. The prize that I found was a copy of "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" by Dave Eggers which I've been meaning to read for some time now. So now I have this giant list of books that I need to get through. I think this summer I'm going to try to read one or two a week--I'll make a calendar or something.

There was a big case with a bunch of the classics in it and I was paging through Ptolemy and Aquinas and then I really wanted to crack open Plato so I did and there were about three little cards tucked inside the front cover. So I started to read them. They were these really personal love notes from this guy named Paul to his lady, Deb. Some of the things he wrote made me blush. Actually, it sounds like they had quite a tumultuous relationship. Two of the cards said things like "Deb, I love you I love you I love you I love you. I never ever ever meant to hurt you that way. Please keep me" and he also quoted a song--I'm sure of it--but I couldn't place which song it was. I just knew that the words sounded way too familiar to be original. Then in one of them (a valentine) Paul said "I can't want to see you in that new teddie that you've been telling me about. You're so beautiful. Please wear it tonight." It was crazy! I kind of wanted to take the cards out of the book and carry them around and maybe use them in a poem or something. But I felt like a creep reading them in the first place so I just tucked them back in. I don't know how you could give away a book (especially Plato) without leafing through it or anything. Maybe Paul and Deb broke up and the books were a gift from Paul so Deb wanted to throw them out so she wouldn't have to think about him when she looked at her bookshelf. After all, the cards were addressed to her and they were obviously very comfortably tucked in that gathering place inside the cover.

So anyway I went into the library after that and picked up a few things:

Southern Culture on the Skids "Mojo Box." A guy I was in a play with recommended this band to me. I couldn't remember how I'd heard of them when I saw this CD on the rack but now I remember that it was him. I kind of miss him so I picked it up. He has a folk radio show now. They probably don't ever play Southern Culture on the Skids.

R.E.M "Automatic for the People." My sister had this CD growing up and I used to steal it. So now I'm gonna burn my own copy.

Rocket From the Crypt "Group Sounds." I'm actually revisiting this album. It's fresh. Good summer music--they definitely sound like a bunch of hard rocking Californians.

R.E.M. "In Time: The Best of R.E.M. 1988-2003." What can I say? Michael Stipe's voice makes me feel human.

Sam Cooke "Portrait of a Legend 1951-1964." Anyone who doesn't like Sam Cooke doesn't know what it feels like to love.

Then I picked up a giant book called "In Style: Weddings" upon my mother's request because of my sister's wedding. I felt really weird carrying it around. Usually when I'm at the library I try to give off an "I'm a young intelligent single woman" vibe just in case a charming gentleman wishes to discuss the finer points of whatever CD or book or film I have tucked under my arm. So today I have this HUGE coffee-table-sized book with WEDDINGS in giant letters onthe front cover. I can't hide it. Actually I can't even tuck it under my arm because it's so big. So for a while I feel like a bride-to-be which is pretty funny because all I'm doing is floating in and out of rows of bookshelves with little conviction in my step and frankly with nothing important on my mind. I'm sure that in a couple of months I'll be a little less carefree when my duties as Maid of Honor start to stack up. But for now I guess it's kind of cool to casually tote a book about weddings without worrying about how napkins are going to be folded and which flowers are going to be in season and which gifts are appropriate to give to the wedding party.

For now, I am going to settle in and get some studying done. Then I think I'd like to go thrifting. I feel so calm today.

On the Fly

I'm going to try writing a song in this blog--I've got my guitar in front of me and I feel some stuff rising up so here it is:

I don't believe that you are real
Most of the time
The sincerity in your eyes
convinces me otherwise

We meet in streetlit parking lots
Most of the time
But it never feels temporary when I'm with you
My fingers close the door and yours lock mine

And we're not wasting time
We're not wasting time

This kind of thing happens in the movies
All of the time
The two of us make a slow motion montage
sweeping across the screen in black and white

We share a jawline and pulse
When we've got time
Kissing at stoplights, studying friction
Making the truth more real than fiction

And we're not wasting time
No, we're not wasting time

Way Over Yonder in the Minor Key

Every now and then I run across a poem that speaks so strongly to me in a certain moment. The poem that I am posting today arrived into my life this afternoon as I was leafing through books of poetry at Parma Regional Library. There was a middle-aged bespectacled man with kind eyes standing on the other side of the shelf and we smiled at one another over the stacks and when I looked down this was staring up at me:

His shirt

does not show his
true colors. Ice-

blue and of stuff
so common

anyone
could have bought it,

his shirt
is known only

to me, and only
at certain times

of the day.
At dawn

it is a flag
in the middle

of a square
waiting to catch

chill light.
Unbuttoned, it's

a sail suprised
by boundless joy.

In candlelight at turns
a penitent's

scarf or beggar's
fleece, his shirt is

inapproachable.
It is the very shape

and tint
of desire

and could be mistaken
for something quite

fragile and
ordinary.

-Rita Dove


I had the opportunity to meet Rita Dove two weeks ago and I missed it. I was completely heartbroken for a while and I picked up this book today as a kind of sweet penance. But after reading this poem, I feel like I've already met her and like she knows me and what I think every second of every day. Especially lately.

I think I'm going to be alright this weekend.

Our Own Personal Hailstorm

Christine and I made a run for Borders today. I was pissed off because I checked online for all of the stuff I wanted and they only had one of the three items I went there for. And last night on the website they said that they had all three in stock! Bastards.

So I got the Awards Edition of "American Beauty" which is the one thing I really asked for for my birthday and the one thing I didn't get. They didn't have "Raise the Red Lantern" or "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"--well, actually they had the latter but it was $29.99 and that's rubbish. My gift card was for $30 and there was no way I was spending it on one DVD that I could get at Best Buy for $16.00. At least buying the one DVD got me a coupon for 30% off my next purchase. So now I can go to another Borders and save more money. I rule!

Anyway, the reason for this post is not to discuss my frugality or my frustration with chain bookstores. Nay, this post is significant for another reason.

On the way home, me and Christine were on the highway and I was just chilling in the passenger seat, rockin' to Kanye West and all of a sudden this slew of tiny little rock things poured down on us from above. It was coming off the top of this big ugly dirty semi that was chugging along in front of us. So we accelerated and tried to pass on the left and as we were passing I looked up to see the idiot who was driving the giant jalopy of spewage and it was this disgusting trucker who happened to be looking right at me. Like, his head was turned and he was staring me in the face. So what could I do? I looked up at him and smiled. Then he pulled on that chain thing and honked his horn.

The dude was disgusting and creepy. He had a terrible long, dark, unkempt beard ala ZZ Top and these giant aviator sunglasses. And his smile. Oh, his creepy, creepy smile. So I waved as we went past. And then I cowered into the soft grey fibers of my seat and wept softly as Kanye spit the second verse of "Golddigger."

I Make Myself Soar (and Sore.)

I'm on quite a high right now. I actually got to sleep in today for a change. I had some trippy dreams last night which is bizarre because I don't usually remember my dreams and I hate dreaming to begin with. Oh well. I woke up and everything was cool--I definitely sat up in bed though to see if the dude who tried to kill my parents was still bleeding on the floor after I had cut the tendons behind his knees. That was seriously one of my dreams.

A friend of mine once told me that there are still countries in the world where they make "yes or no" decisions by slashing the tendons behind the knees of one of the village peasants and if he falls forward the answer is yes and if he falls backwards the answer is no. Granted, this girl who told me this is the same girl who said that you can rearrange the letters in Michael Eisner's name to spell "Lucifer" but I still thought it was an interesting concept.

So anyway I had a bit of a sore throat this morning but I still had a lot of energy. I finally wrote a new song last night which was a good note to fall asleep on. I'm quite proud of the song really. I think he wants to be played slow. I'm not 100% sure yet though. Maybe I should slice through a peasant's tendons to decide.

I actually "worked-out" today. I wanted to listen to records and figured since I had all of this pent-up energy that I should burn some of it. So I jogged for a while on this small trampoline that we have at home (or the Urban Trainer as my mom and I call it) and worked with a few small weights and then I did a lot of yogic stuff for my muscles. I made it through two records before I quit. I could have gone longer I think but I have a short attention span I guess. I listened to NIN's "With Teeth" and the Police's "Outlandos D'Amour" which are excellent work-out albums. It's a hell of a lot better than sweating to the oldies.

That reminds me. Yesterday in the cars I was in at different times I randomly checked the radio to see if they were in fact still playing crap, and I ran into three Beach Boys songs. This was in a span of about six hours. And it wasn't like "Don't Worry Baby" or "God Only Knows." They were playing "California Girls" and "Surfin' USA" and "Kokomo." And I got so pissed. Because it's Cleveland. And I don't want to think about Kokomo. And they never play the Beach Boys this much during other times of the year when it's actually appropriate. I don't want to think about bodies in the sand and tropical drinks melting in my hand. It's depressing.

Right now I'm absorbing some new music. Yesterday I grabbed some stuff at the library again. In case anyone is curious, here's the list:

Common- "Be." I'm a big fan of Common. I was really into his one album "Like Water for Chocolate" a few years ago. This one is great as well. Not as good as the aforementioned though. Kanye stepped in and changed things around a bit.

Misfits- "Walk Among Us." I've been casually involved with the Misfits for awhile and last year my cousin's band opened a show for them and I got excited about them again, even though they are just way too old right now. Aging punks are depressing. They should all die young. Anyway, it was pretty shameful that I didn't have this album. So now I do.

The Concretes- "The Concretes." I was physically attracted to this CD because of its cover art, which reminded me of the art on the liner notes of the Wilco album "A Ghost is Born." I don't think they're connected since Wilco is on Nonesuch and the Concretes are on Astralwerks. Although Brian Eno did do some work with David Byrne on Nonesuch...and stop the dorkiness. Anyway, I made a good choice. The album is really easy and smart--a cool surf-beat on the drums and some tasteful guitar work. And the lead vocalist sounds tasty. Sometimes you can tell just by looking at a person..er, album.

Over the Rhine- "Ohio." My friend James recommended this album to me over a year ago. I really do enjoy Over the Rhine. They're one of those bands that I get cravings for. And this album is just superb. It's so much more powerful and packs a much more artistic punch than "Drunkard's Prayer." I'm in love.

Iron & Wine- "The Sea & the Rhythm." Greatest ever. This one's just an EP and after I brought it home I realized that I'd already heard all of the songs on it. But really it's good. And beards are good too.

And now some really great stuff that's written in the liner notes from Over the Rhine's "Ohio:"

"Like love, a voice can flood a life with possibility, the mouth of a river flowing from somewhere faraway yet familiar."

"We don't listen much to our own records after they get made, but we find ourselves replaying again and again many of the conversations that take place underneath and around those songs. We talked abotu Bob Dylan Starter-Kits and Tom Waits Finishing School. Sweaty hickey parties and haunted pianos with broken hearts. Shock and awe, oil and joy. We talked about how we're often more interesting when we're misunderstood. And about God, and meditation, and the waitress at the Greek restaurant. We talked about the fact that we had 21 new songs and not one damn hit."

And now I want to get back into the studio.

Start Me Up

I should have named my car. I feel like I'm trapped in the final moments of some terrible Lifetime movie called "She's Too Young to Die" or something. And I'm standing over my 2000 Seafoam Blue Toyota Echo with a fistful of black and with a furrowed brow and just one tear creeping down my cheek and settling on my quivering lip.

So I lay the flowers down on the frosted hood and I turn around and bite my lip and curse at the sky. "I never even knew her name. I never even knew her name!"

Alright so maybe it's not over yet. The truth of the matter is that I've been trying all day to start my car and all she's giving me are these pathetic churning sounds and little ejaculatory revs that hiss dejectedly when I turn my key and remove it from the ignition.

Thankfully, I'm at home tonight. So my dad was just able to do man tricks on it or something a few minutes ago and get it into the garage. I'm concerned though. I love this car. Yea, she's little but she's all I've known. And I've been through a lot in her. And let's not forget--she's only six years old! She's a baby! And a Japanese baby at that! The Japanese don't age! Look at Ken Watanabe for Pete's sake.

Maybe I should name my car Watanabe. Or Akira. Akira would be a cool name for a car. I hope it's not too late to give it a name. I'm gonna do better this time. I'm gonna do like Queen Latifah in "Last Holiday." I'm gonna dress Akira up in a white faux fur pimp coat and take her out to eat at really great restaurants and I'm gonna let her pick the music for once because frankly, I do tend to bogart the radio. And I'm gonna clean out her trunk and get rid of all those old copies of Scene Magazine and all of those blankets and empty bottles that have been festering up in there for so long.

And I'm gonna tell her I love her. Dammit I'm gonna tell her I love her.

Shaking in the Wind

It sounds so violent outside right now. The wind is just assaulting. I actually feel a little nervous and frightened, which sounds silly, but I guess all the horror movies I've seen since I was a kid have conditioned me to expect bad things to rise up with the wind.

I didn't have the greatest of mornings today. And it's strange because I think in the back of my mind I knew it was going to be that way when I went to bed last night. I listened to the Smiths and the last song I heard before bed was "Heroin" by the Velvet Underground. As much as I love that song for what it is, I just don't think it's a good one to fall asleep to. I woke up and dressed myself in black from head to toe. Then I cracked the blinds and saw the rain.

I don't feel the need to talk about why my morning was so poor or why I fell asleep this afternoon in the dark with the stereo on and then again with the television on. I woke up from a really bizarre dream and ended up feeling even worse than I did when I first lied down.

Katy and I finished up the screenplay that we're working on this afternoon. It's funny. I'm proud of it. I can't wait to produce it. After that we walked together to the Book & Bean and skipped over puddles and acted like wee school girls. She's really an awesome girl. So I made a purchase at the B&B and then we scurried back to the hall.

I don't have much to say really. Nothing of consequence. I am floating over and through things right now. I feel as though I am lying belly up in a warm swimming pool in late summer. At night when the streetlights surround me this sensation is heightened. And with the wind blowing against my back and pushing me forward I feel light. I feel a stronger connection with nature in this type of weather. I want to cling to the wet grass and stand in the puddles of rain on the sidewalk until the stagnant water soaks through the canvas of my tennis shoes. I think it's because everything feels so temporary at this time of year. The sun, the rain, the snow--it's all so fleeting. You can't count on it. So when you get it, you make the most of it.

When something special comes around you make the most of it and you never take it for granted. And it's always completely worth the wait. I think I learned that more than once this week.

Schmalentine's Day

February 13th, 2004: "Tomorrow is Valentine's Day/Singles Awareness Day. It's interesting to see how Valentine's Day has become such a parody of itself. If you're not making fun of Valentine's Day, you're taking it too seriously.

February 14th, 2005: "I probably shouldn't say this but I have three "valentines" this year. I don't know which one of my gentleman callers I'd like to eat barbecue with first...Yea not really. I mean, I do and I don't, but not really. Follow? Me either. It's a shame that even though I have three valentines, I'll probably be stuck in my room tonight alone watching movies. What a waste of a night off. Oh well. It's a day. A DAY for Pete's sake. I'm cooler/better/awesomer than any day."

Those are quotes from my old blog. I felt the need to comment on Valentine's Day since it happens tomorrow. I'm sure most people I know expect me to maintain my cynical perspective and to continue my tradition of bashing the day with firey resentment. Things are a little different this year though.

Normally I would live the day as any other day and only acknowledge its existence if one of my friends spontaneously asked me to rap on it. And I'd say how ridiculous the whole thing is. Because it really is. If there's one thing I can't stand more it's something that's been fabricated solely to evoke false sentimentality. It's why I can't stand Nicholas Sparks. Everything he writes is written to force his reader to feel a certain way. I hate being forced to feel. I hate things that are "touching." So to me Valentine's Day has always been deplorable.

This year I can't hate February 14th because I actually have some special plans that I'm very excited about. They're sort of vague at the moment but the important thing is that I'm going to spend time with a dynamite fellow. I still hate Valentine's Day--don't worry. But now it's more of a streamlined hatred that allows for me to actually enjoy myself in the face of all of that blatant pink and red and lacey adversity.

There are a few things that I enjoy about Valentine's Day. For one, I really do like those Necco Brand Conversation Hearts although I'm finding that anymore they are bending over backwards a bit too far to accomodate for my generation's flash-in-the-pan slang. When I pull out a powdery little purple heart and see "TEXT ME" stamped on it, I cringe a little bit. I think this year Necco has a Neil Young fan because I ate one the other day that said "♥ OF GOLD." No complaints about that one.

I think I'm going to lie down on roomie's futon and watch a movie. We've had it folded down in its "bed-mode" for about a week now and it's great. Very Austin Powers, only without the shagging. Mostly it's just cool to sprawl out and read in a giant pile of pillows and blankets.

I'm 99% sure that roomie and I are getting an apartment next year. I'm excited. We're soul mates.

I need a haircut in a major way. I barely have curls anymore and I look really shaggy. I have to wait until Saturday though for my appointment. Bummer!

It's so cold outside. My face hurts.

I Love the Hades

A truly excellent birthday so far and it's not even 5:00 yet.

I think the Maelstrom meeting was my favorite part of the day. I've really found my niche with these folks. Last year I knew I wanted to be a part of their elite little group of exclusivists the day I was forced to attend the Student Activities Fair and I saw them all sitting cross-legged in a corner with a guitar and a case full of satire. I naturally gravitated towards them and we've been orbiting happily together ever since.

It doesn't bother me anymore that we don't get funding. I'm so happy with this publication and I can't believe that in a short year I went from the youngest staff writer in history to the co-editor-in-chief. I'm so happy. Maelstrom is the best thing that's happened to me at school.

Now I've got to run out. I'll edit later.

EDIT:
I won second place!
My previously posted essay on being in love with the pudgy choir boy ended up winning second place in the Cleveland Free Times Valentine's Day essay contest. I didn't win anything concrete, but it's pretty cool to be printed, especially in one of my favorite publications.

Right now Pumpkin and Honey Bunny are talking about robbery! I love "Pulp Fiction" a lot.

I got the cake I wanted. My dad went to my favorite local bakery and picked up a small cassata cake and had it written on for me. So sweet of him. I think tonight is going to be a movie/cake night. I think I feel like watching "Seven Samurai." Although ABC Family is showing "Cruel Intentions" tonight which I just can't even begin to comprehend. That movie is such smut--it's the kind of movie that tries so hard to be overtly sexual that it becomes laughable. Maybe I'll watch it.

For now, I'm gonna clean my area and have a nap. Keep on rockin' in the free world.

No other label will do...

Today I got a call from a politician friend of mine. It was about 10:30. The roomie and I were just having a good time watching "Swingers" in honor of my birthday next week. (It's the tenth anniversary of the first time I saw that film--it's a film that had a profound effect on the way that I watch movies.)

So anyway this fella called and asked if I wanted to "wander around" with him. He was in the Giant Eagle at the time, holding a loaf of Italian bread he said. And he wanted me to meet him there so we could sit outside and eat the bread. He even described his attire, apparently trying to seduce me from my comfy lair. A cowboy hat, a pair of Nike sweatpants, and a Thundercats t-shirt. (The sad thing is, it almost worked.)

Seriously though. Weird call. "Come out and wander around with me and eat this loaf of dry bread." I love it. I love imagining what it would have been like if I'd actually gone. I see us sitting on a tree lawn watching a bunch of drunken idiots swaggering and howling around Beech Street. And we'd eat about three slices of the bread and then get tired of it and go to Coe Lake and throw it in for the sunfish and the ducks. Although I don't think there are many ducks at Coe Lake this time of year.

I'm thrilled that my apartment next year is going to be near the lake. Like, right on the lake. And the Berea library is just a mere fifty paces past the steps to the bank. I cannot wait to revel in my geeky glory. Usually I have to walk a while to get there and the weather is so bizarre that there have been times when it starts raining just as I reach the boardwalk. I need to stop writing about this. I'll get cabin fever.

I actually have plans on my birthday this year. Usually I stay in, watch a movie, and lay low until someone calls and rousts me out. I'm a bit of a hermit I guess and birthdays are never very different. This year it's off to dinner and to see "Rent." I think my eighteenth was the lamest birthday ever. I dressed up and waited for someone to call and then when nobody did I locked myself in the basement and watched "Lost in Translation" in the dark...in FULLSCREEN. Eewwww.

I'm so tempted to head out for a walk right now. Campus is scary on Thursday nights though. Don't want to be found all swollen and strangled underneath the fountain in Coe Lake.

Yea, sorta like her...

This week at our Maelstrom meeting we agreed on whoring ourselves out for a special "Blind Date" issue. Readers who are interested in dating any of our staff writers are supposed to send e-mails to us with 75 words on why they want to get with us. Then we have to go on dates with these people and report on it. Completely bizarre, eh? Instead of putting our pictures in Maelstrom, we're all submitting photos of "look-alike" celebrities. I've narrowed down my search to three, based on the suggestions of my staff:

Lisa Loeb. I can see it I guess. We both have glasses and we wear scarves and yes, there was a time when I found the film "Reality Bites" to be completely life-changing, on a more pathetic level than Loeb who basically owes her face to Ethan Hawke for giving "Stay" a shot. I think she was 19 at that time or something and she didn't have a recording contract or anything. That was a total digression. Anyway we're both folk/pop musicians. I don't straighten my hair or anything so cool like that but I think I'm sweeter than her because I'm not obsessed with Hello Kitty trinkets.

Tina Fey. I get this one the most--people have actually told me, unprompted, that I remind them of Tina Fey. I take this as a pretty high compliment because she's pretty kickass. We both rock the satirical humor thing,we have a similar smirk, and of course the trademark specs help. This picture is a total glamour shot but her hair is more like mine in it so I chose this one. Her dress is so friggin' shiny!

Daria Morgendorffer. I get this one a lot too, mostly from this chick at work. I'd like to think that I vary the inflection of my unusually husky voice a little bit more than her, but I like the whole "think fast, talk slow" vibe. And I own that green jacket--really I do. I'll have to get a picture of myself in it to freak people out. That show was great until Daria started dating. Daria's not supposed to have a boyfriend. Maybe I should stop comparing myself to Daria.

I really do love writing for Maelstrom because I can do ridiculous stuff like this every week. Plus I can meet my "one-date-a-semester" quota. It's too bad we don't have funding though because I'll probably have to go dutch and it's probably not going to be worth it at all. Or maybe I should just start worrying about people actually responding to our contest ad...hmm.

Swoon

I've got weaknesses. Driving with the windows down, per my last entry, is one of them. You know what? I'm gonna make a list. So now all you evil-doers can easily thwart me/seduce me/make me cry at will. Any of this stuff will bring me to my knees:
1. The Cure
2. Rosati's Frozen Custard (particularly Key Lime Pie, Birthday Cake, and Apple Pie
3. Farinacci's pizza
4. Pineapple (the food, the smell.)
5. The following colors: Grey, green, black, brown, and pumpkin.
6. Hands
7. Flannel shirts
8. Guitars
9. Hot tea
10. Chai
11. Black Coffee
12. Being underneath anything
13. Dinner & Play (Instead of a movie)
14. Ellis Paul's music
15. Good lyrics
16. Poetry
17. Board games! (Even though I'm good at them, I can't say no!)
18. Being asked to do anything. I love to be ordered around.
19. Teachers and professors
20. Tweed jackets with elbow patches
21. Scarves
22. Baseball movies
23. Dimmer switches
24. Sitting in the two seats at Cinemark or wherever where you can look over the railing at the people coming in. I don't know what it is about that spot but I get soft when I sit there.
25. The following voices: Adam Duritz, Ben Lesh, Ellis Paul, Sting (especially early stuff), Dane Castle (can sing my clothes off), Elvis Costello, Chris Robinson, Peter Gabriel, Fiona Apple, Simon & Garfunkel
26. Vinyl
27. Movie soundtracks
28. Sno-Caps
29. Swedish Fish
30. Any Ed Norton movie (even "Death to Smoochy")
31. Film Noir
32. Trivia of any kind. I won't stop until I find the answer.
33. Saturday Night Live re-runs. (Especially from the Belushi era.)
34. Beards
35. Natural bodies of water
36. The library
37. Mix tapes
38. Midnight walks
39. Road trips
40. Evenings in quiet, independent coffee houses
41. Live music
42. Challenging conversation
43. Argyle (sweaters, socks, whatever.)
44. Corduroy
45. The lingering smell of stale cigarettes
46. Autumn (especially late September)
47. Snow
48. Bumper stickers
49. Cult films
50. The jukebox.

Pop suture

It's not particularly warm outside. In fact, there is a tiny little bite in the air today. This is good because I can wear my trademark plaid scarf and my brown skully. Still, it's warm enough for me to drive with my windows down and breathe everything in. I think if the temperature were five degrees higher, I'd feel perfect today.

I sense a lot of potential growing everywhere. Call it a side-effect of February, the melted snow, the wet lawn, Philip Seymour Hoffman's SAG Award...but I feel like things are waiting to get fresh.

I don't have much material for an entry today. But I did want to document the weather today because it feels notable. I sang in my car on the way to the library with my windows down today and I think I was smirking the whole way there. A few of the strangers that I passed where actually responsive--mostly men, but a few women as well.

I have been getting miffed at old people lately when I drive. I have bad ears so I usually have my music up at a moderate-to-loud level. I don't pump my bass or anything and I'm usually considerate at stop lights by turning down the stereo until I'm moving again. But I get some really dirty looks from older people who pass by in cars or on sidewalks. It pisses me off because I feel like I'm being judged. Like maybe they think I'm some hoodlum druggie chick or something. Even when I'm cranking Dean Martin I get weird looks. So today I unapologetically listened to "Sexx Laws" by Beck and then "Fit But You Know It" by the Streets at a decent volume and it felt great. I don't need to surrender my musical pleasure to a bunch of narrow, sour people.

I picked up some stuff at the library today:

Tom Petty: The Last DJ. I've been meaning to listen to this album in its entirety for a long while now. I was feeling pretty hippie-ish today so this is a testimony to that.

Lisa Loeb: The Way it Really Is. Lisa is my girl. I hope this album is as sweet as its cover.

Queen Latifah: The Dana Owens Album. I'm in love with Queen Latifah. Seriously I want to eat scones with her or something. She sings some standards on this one which should be a little bit of a departure from the days of "Unity." Ha.

Allison Moorer: The Duel. I've never heard of her. Her album cover intrigued me and that's pretty much all it takes to get me interested. I've been known to buy movies and CDs just because looking at them makes me feel good. I've got skills when it comes to snap-judgements. The first two tracks on this are so real.

Bamboozled. I enjoy this movie. Yesterday I watched 25th Hour again and I remembered how much I think Spike Lee is boss. I represent Tarantino too. I'll keep this movie away from Pulp Fiction on my bookshelf. Just like I put dividers between my Van Halen/Van Hagar albums.

The Cooler. I've wanted to see this movie since it was in our local art theater. Mmm Bill Macy.

Walker Percy's The Moviegoer. I've been looking for a follow-up novel to Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs. I wanted something different so this seemed like a good way to go.

I think if there were a movie made about my life, I'd want one of the following people to play me:
-Tina Fey
-Lisa Loeb
-Scarlett Johansson
-Thora Birch
-Miranda July
-Haley Joel Osment (because he really needs the work right now.)
Of course by the time I actually do something sweet that might warrant a biopic, most of these people will be too old. Hollywood sucks.

No sleeves.

Last night I acted like I was in college and it was probably the best night I've had during my college social career. Really.

I like thinking of my life as a series of completely trivial individual moments that create a larger and much more enlightented product.

I'm being careful about saying that I wasn't "myself" last night. Because really, I was absolutely the same person that I've always been. But there were a few small changes that I must have made--intentionally or unintentionally. I was a different version of myself and I wish I could have seen what happened from the outside.

I wanted to project myself everywhere in that basement. I wanted to hang from the wooden rafters and the dusty rusted pipes and I wanted to crouch beneath the bar and look from below and see what my feet were doing while the rest of me was completely surrendered to something so incredibly visceral. I wanted to know if I could see my toes curling through the tops of my shoes and I wanted to see the shape that his jawline took.

What an excellent and truly surprising series of events. And I don't mind not knowing which part of the bigger picture this fits into. It was a fantastic series of moments and I look forward to making more of them, however unconnected or trivial they may seem.